Child Abuse

Letting your kids get away with anything should be grounds for removal. If your kid is eleven years old, you should not buy them coffee. PERIOD. I don't give a shit if they think it's cool and all their friends drink it and it's what all the hipster little 11 yr olds do. Especially if this child is a hyperactive chatterbox to begin with. Caffeine is bad for people, especially children (see this is how I justify imbibing copious amounts of the stuff: by being over 18). Let them get their jumpstart on addiction the all-American way: Second-hand smoke, McDonald's and Coca-Cola.

Also, if your kid is considered morbidly obese by the general guidelines the health and food administration sets in the United States, you should be charged with attempted murder and child abuse and neglect. You are ruining a life and sending them to an early grave. Who's to say that kid isn't' going to become so fucked up from the ridicule and self-loathing over the next 15 years of his/her life that they don't "Go Postal" themselves.

You parents have already managed to fuck up the planet, the market, the government, heathcare, social security, the gene pool, and rock music: Pink Floyd said it and I expound on it, "Leave those kids (the fuck) alone!!"

Just a reminder: the downfall of American society continues

For the second week in a row, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" is the top grossing movie. That's right, it's Oscar season and we are talking about Kevin James again. And people mock Kevin Costner. At least he gives a shit and tries.

Paul Blart beat out the third installment of the Underworld movies at number two, Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood, Hotel For Dogs at number four, and Slumdog Millionaire rounds out the top five. That's right, it beat a popular sequal, an award buzzworthy flick, a movie with the red-hot Don Cheadle, and a movie up for 10 Oscars.

A big thank you to all the morons in America. YOU SUCK!

On a side note, one of the 12 year olds that I coach went to see Paul Blart with his dad this weekend, and he thought it was hilarious. He couldn't stop laughing while telling me all the funny parts of the movie. Congrats on all your mature fans Kevin!

This weekend's sign of the apocolypse

Want a sign that the American public is a bunch of uneducated sheep? How about this?

That's right, Kevin James movie, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" beat Academy Award Winner and Film Icon Clint Eastwood's award nominated and critically acclaimed, "Gran Torino."

You may remember Kevin James as the fat, bumbling sidekick in "Hitch", or as the fat, bumbling sidekick on the moving "I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry", or as the fat, bumbling husband of smoking hot Leah Remini in, "King Of Queens."

Less remembered by all you, apparently, is the nearly 60 year acting career of one of the truly great gems of Hollywood. "Do you feel lucky punk, well do ya?' ring a bell? Other than his 5 OSCARS, he has also received the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award, been a Mayor, and won about 1,000 other awards.

I think I speak for everyone who has over a 10th grade education level and/or knows anything about films when i say, 'What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

ps. I'm so baffled about this that I refuse to even tag this post with Kevin James's name.

Official Wendy's Boycott Begins

Today I didnt have to work. The most important decision of the day was: Wendy's or Taco Bell? I tough call to be sure. This decision was ultimately swayed by the fact that I had a coupon for a FREE TACO! from Taco Bell. Fast-forward to Taco Bell parking lot, 6:30pm. You would have thought they were giving out FREE TACOS! today. Drive-thru was backed-up up into the parking lot; inside was hopping. Quick decision time, the football game is coming on, gotta go gotta go. Fuck FREE TACO! coupon, Wendy's time.

Now, I will say that Wendy's and I had a falling out a while back when my co-worker and I were trying to lose some weight. We decided we would do Wendy's for lunch every Wednesday during out "staff meeting". Well, three straight times of cold fries, and chicken nuggets and I stopped going. 

Also contributing; Have you seen the prices there lately?!?!? Holy shit. Remember the 99cent 5-piece nugget: $1.39 now! I thought we were in a recession? Remember when you could get the Double cheeseburger combo meal and a 5-piece for like $6? Okay, the combo meal is now $6.50...that's for the small! That means you are breaking off over $7 for the large combo. Add a 99cent 5-piece now for $1.39 and you are getting dangerously close to $9.. FOR WENDY'S!

( Now before all one of you readers start in with the, "well maybe that should let you know you shouldn't get the big combo, just get the regular one", or "those chicken nuggets aren't good for you anyway". Shut the Fuck up. I don't want to hear about it. If you say you care about nutrition or your health when you are going to eat Wendy's you are a fucking liar. I don't care about any of that shit when I go to Wendy's, I just want a hot burger with crispy fries and nuggets. Not a lecture.)

So I digress, I gave in and went. Well that'll be the last time, possibly forever. I will attempt to illustrate this as thuroughly (and colorfully) as possible.

-decided on drive-thur, gotta save time, check. 

-checked that the combo meals were still way to expensive, Check. 

-Mutter, "Fuck you wendy's" under my breath, check. 

-Order Two-double stacks(99cents), one 5-piece nugget with ranch($1.39!), 1-value fry (99cents). 

-"Want something to drink with that?" Mutter, Fuck you... "No Thanks". 

-$4.80 or something like that. Dynamite. No one in the drive-thru. Things are going well.

Don't forget, Gotta pay at the first window and get food at the second window, thereby eliminating anyone from possible responsibility and increasing the frequency of Fuck-ups 10fold.

First Window: 

-Credit Card ready, Check.

-Roll down my window when it's freezing cause the guy's looking at me, Check.

-Stay there with my hand extended as guy takes someone else's order, Check.

-Stay there with my hand extended in the FREEZING FUCKING COLD as guy takes yet another person's order, CHECK!

-Fucking idiot with the headset on takes card, swipes, gives it back to me without saying a word, check.

SECOND WINDOW:

-Wait three minutes, check.

-Roll down window when the guy tries to give me 2 large pops and two children's milks and tell him that's not my oder, CHECK. (I mean seriously, I'm a 27yr old slob driving a beatup Cavalier, hmm now that I think of it, that is a stereotype for Father of two kids in south bend, HA!)

-Other kid comes into the picture now, "Whata we need, Whata we need?" Me: I repeat order, sloooowwwlly, FUCKING CHECK GIVE ME MY FOOD!!!

- Old man who tried to give me kids milk gives me a bag with obviously too much food, check.

-Old man says, "whoops, wrong oder, give me that back.", check.

-Kid gives me a bag that is too small for my order, so it won't close. IT'S -500 FUCKING DEGREES OUT MAN, can you give me a bag that closes, so I have a chance to get my fries that are already probably freezing home before they are frozen? Me: "Thanks :)", check.

The Drive Home:

-Driving down the road , decide to eat a double stack, unwrap, take a bite. AHHH, tasty CHICKEN!! They gave me the wrong order AGAIN!! , check. (FUCKKKK)

- Whip a shitty on McKinley, check.

-Get out of car back at Wendy's. Guy who gave me said order is outside smoking, sees me drive in, throws half smoked cig, and heads inside, check. (THAT"S RIGHT MUTHAFUCKA, YOU BETTER HEAD BACK INSIDE)

Alright the "checks" are getting annoying. Suffice it to say, they were unsurprised at their error, told me I was lucky that I got new, hot fries, and DID NOT, I repeat, DID NOT EVER say, "I'm sorry." Fast forward back to home. Cold 5-piece nugget, no napkins, NO RANCH. fuck me.

So that's it Wendy's, you and I are done. I'm tired of your overpriced food, your unintelligent, underacheiving staff, your shitty heat lamps, and these love handles.

Dave Thomas is turning in his grave over this shit.