blog shmog and moving

So, no point in any excuses other than to recognize that I haven't blogged for an eternity (4months). While, I feel bad for Lost Soul , as she tells me to "blog you lazy ass", I know no one else is reading this rambling shit.

Anyway, times, they are a changin' as Dylan once sang and Eddie Vedder covered. Took a job waaaay far away from where I have spent my last 4 years. In face, its waaaay far away from everyone I know, and farther than I've ever gone before (no smart-ass Star Trek references nerds!). Mixed bag of emotions here.

Excited:

new job, new opportunity, exactly what I wanted in terms of responsibility, nice weather.

Nervous:

far away from home, not that I'm close now or that the fam or friends visit alot, just nice to know if things go to shit totally or I'm going to lose it, it's within driving distance; money isn't exactly what I would feel comfortable with, Finding an apartment without standing in it or driving up to it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Sad: as much as I hate this shit hole of a town, I like the kids that I work with and they seem to like me. They are going to be as sad as I am, and they will display said sadness, which in turn will make me feel worse. Already started to happen.

Disloyal: This job gave me my start and the powers that be are happy for me getting this opportunity, but it's kinda leaving them high and dry. Plus, took another job that hasn't started yet with kids that I have worked with in the past and they know it. Now, I have to resign that position.

In the end: had to do it. As much trepidation as I may have, if this is really what I want to do with my life, I have to make some moves. The roommate has moved on, with new girlfriend in tow, Lost Soul has moved to sunny Fargo, North Dakota, and the company I am with has seen better days financially.

With the tight timeline I'm on to move, I find that I do not much of anything except sit up all night and think about things, then sleep late and not do much. Is it weird to worry that your parents are going to get old while you are away? Or that not being home for Christmas is being a bad son? Maybe I saddle more obligation to others on myself than is healthy or "average"; maybe that's the nature of my profession. How can you relate and communicate to others if you don't share empathy and a sense of respect and responsibility to one another? Or maybe I'm losing my mind and everyone is going to be fine and move on with life with or without me so I better get mine while the getting is good. In a weird way I wish that were true, but get sad thinking, "what if it is true?"

afraid of being stuck

Have you ever seen Mr. Holland's Opus? Since moving from Columbus 3 1/2 years ago, I have been deathly afraid of becoming him. Even though his story is a great one of touching lives, eventual moral triumph and reconciliation, the premise of the movie never escapes me.

Since taking my most recent job, which I really do like, I have always looked upon it as a stepping stone, an means to an end, if you will. The end goal was and still is to work my way up the ladder to the top. An admiral goal, and one that is longer and more arduous than someone with a big name or someone with the best connections. Someone once told me that in my profession, prepare to be pool for 10 years before you make it. While I accepted that at the time, unforeseen circumstances may make that harder than once anticipated.

Most recently, I have stepped into a position at the high school. While it is a great team, a wonder community with amazing people, Mr. Holland's opus is always playing in the background. I know this could be a permanent gig very easily. In fact numerous people over the last month have alluded to just that fact, suggesting that I start teaching at the high school and just become a "Bremenite" as they call themselves. So now I find myself thinking, "Would this really be that bad?" or "Maybe I could just do this for a few more years and then continue up the ladder." The problem really lies in the fact that my window for climbing is a young man's game that is closing rather quickly on me these days (incidentally, a few of the high schoolers pointed out my first noticeable grey hair today, possibly prompting my crisis level today. I'm seriously distraught about this). 

There is also the consideration that I absolutely hate the wintry bluster of the midwest now. I can't imagine living in this weather for the rest of my life. But, I did immensely enjoy the competition today, and passing my knowledge on to high schoolers who genuinely want to improve, respect me, and have a team philosophy that people dream of. So the dilemma continues: risk possibly becoming Mr. Holland and living in Bremen, or continue to risk not making it at all.